Friends Reunited
by Queeq
Summary: This follows on from the final episode in VIII 'Only The Good...' and gets rid of Kochanski and the nanobot Rimmer, and brings back the old Rimmer who's been living his days as Ace... chapter 3 added, lots more coming soon!
1. Deep Smeg

In a far away universe, in another dimension, in another time zone and most likely a new and exciting plane of reality, Ace Rimmer shot Van Gogh in the penis, disabling him and triumphing yet again before the authorities even got a chance to pull out the 'cuffs.

Eh, well, that's what was supposed to happen anyway...

What actually happened was Ace shooting wildly in the direction of Van Gogh's love spuds, and instead shooting him in the ear. Gogh screamed like a banshee- as did Ace. You see, the thing was, Ace wasn't terribly good at saving the world. He was quite crap to be completely honest.

There was Van Gogh, who, in this universe, in this dimension, in this time zone and this plane of reality- was a drug dealer in China. So, Ace decided to save the day, and stop the gangland boss instead of letting the authorities handle the situation. (The authorities in this plane of reality consisting of actual llamas that wear nightgowns as part of their uniform, Ace always wondered about the nightgowns, but thought of it rude to ask.)

The reason why Ace failed, yet again, was because he was one of many other 'Ace' Rimmers'. It's a legacy. It's a destiny. And as far as this particular Rimmer was concerned, it was a curse. An extremely bad curse as it goes. This Arnold J. Rimmer was a buffoon. It's that simple.

Back on the Red Dwarf, Rimmer was a lowly Second Technician, with all the charm and charisma of a public louse. When he, along with Kryten, The Cat and Lister lost the Dwarf, and ended up stranded in deep space on the tiny shuttle Starbug, things weren't much better. He was dead, you see. Brought back as a hologram to keep Lister sane- but hey, that's for another time.

Things started to look up for Rimmer when a creature named Legion gave him a 'Hard Light Bee' which meant that now Rimmer could touch, feel, eat, and with the added bonus of being indestructible. He was pretty damn pleased. He was still dead, yes, but at least now he could get out the puncture repair kit and have a bit of fun.

Then things started to take an interesting turn for Rimmer. Ace was back. He was dying. He'd met Ace on a previous occasion, apparently he was from another dimension, he was another Arnold J. Rimmer, and the only thing that separated them both from their completely different lives was one decision- just one! 'Ace' got the long straw, while Rimmer got the straw that was the size of a flea. That's how tiny his straw was.

In the end, Lister, the man that made a common tramp look like Prince Charles, persuaded Rimmer to take on the legacy that was Ace Rimmer. Lister convinced The Cat and Kryten that the burnt-out light bee that was actually Ace, was their Rimmer- and that was that. Rimmer was now yet another Ace Rimmer, and was expected to explore countless galaxies, solving trouble, and saving the day. It was okay to begin with, but now it was just boring, especially when you're not very good at it.

Van Gogh clutched his ear, and wailed in agony. He started cursing at Rimmer.

"You may want to watch your foul mouth you disgusting piece of rectum!" Rimmer sneered as he started walking over to Gogh, who was now sobbing like a new born baby.

"You're a bastard Ace!" screamed Gogh, "A bloody bastard!"

"And don't you forget it, laddy!" said Rimmer, just before he tripped over a can of paint. (Gogh was a drug dealer, but he liked to paint masterpieces in his spare time.) Rimmer flew across the floor like a bowling ball and then fell out of the window. His trousers caught onto the ledge of the window, and Rimmer hung limply fifteen floors up from the pavement. He was in deep smeg and he knew it.


	2. The Same Old New Reality

Lister didn't understand. He looked down the corridors and took a glance into a random room- nothing. No one was around. There was no one on board the Red Dwarf except him. No crew. No skutters. No killer glove puppets- nothing. He started to cry. He was sick of it, why couldn't anything go right?

"Kryten? …Cat? … Krissie?" no one replied, "And where the smeg has Rimmer gotten to?" he said out loud, for reasons which he couldn't explain. Perhaps he was simply mad? Yes, he thought, 'I'm simply mad' that's what he thought.

He looked back at the mirror. Kryten had created a mirror universe as the current Red Dwarf that they were on was, well, blowing up quite frankly. They created a mirror universe because they needed an antidote to stop the Dwarf, well, blowing up. Of course in a mirror universe, a virus _became _an antidote. Or so that was the logic behind it. Lister thought Kryten and Krissie, who seemed to be the only ones who understood perfectly what was going on, were smegging mad. Then he thought about his own state of mind at this very moment. He decided not to dwell on it anymore. He began to sob like he'd never sobbed before.

After hours of sobbing and clenching his fists together (not to mention a little bit of rocking forwards and backwards) Lister looked at the perfectly normal mirror, and got the shock of his life. Kryten and The Cat emerged from the mirror and fell to the floor. Cat was obviously in shock. A hell of a lot of shock, by the look of his wide eyes and open mouth, his nose seemed to be stuck in a shocked position, too.

"Kryten, what the smeg?" screamed Lister hysterically.

"Oh thank god we've found your sir! Please, permission to kiss your feet!"

"Kryten that's really not-" before Lister could finish his sentence, the robot began kissing (and licking) Lister's feet. "I s'pose I did need them polished a little bit. So, Kryten, are you gonna tell me what happened or not? I thought that the mirror universe was meant to help us find an antidote for the Dwarf?"

"It seems that the mirror worked differently for all of us! It transported us all to a _different _parallel universe, instead of the same! Me, Mr. Cat, Miss. Kochanski, Mr. Rimmer and you, all ended up in different realities. I found Mr. Cat on a Red Dwarf that consisted only of men- and they seemed to have taken a shine to Mr. Cat.

"A shine?" Cat finally broke his silence, "Buddy, they wanted to hump me into next Thursday!"

"Indeed sir." said Kryten awkwardly.

"Where's Rimmer and Kriss?" asked Lister. He could tell by the look on Kryten's pointy face, that it wasn't good news.

"We couldn't find our Kochanski and Rimmer in any of the realities we searched for. We must have looked at a hundred before we found you!"

"Smeg! How do you know that I'm _your _Lister?" said Lister, "I mean, how do you really know it's me?"

"The curry stain in the shape of Abraham Lincoln on your shirt sir. You made that stain before we walked through the mirror!" chirpily replied Kryten.

"Ah well, fair enough. So now what do we do? Keep on looking for Kriss and Smeg head?"

"I don't think it'll do any good sir. We could search through millions and still not find them. What's this reality like?"

"Empty. In this reality, there's no one on board Red Dwarf. It's like a graveyard."

"Interesting…"

"Yeah? How did you work that one out?"

"Well, what would a ship be doing, floating around like a headless chicken in space, without any crew on board? It just doesn't make sense, that's all."

"Oh smeg!" Lister knew which reality he was in. "Kryten. This is the reality in which we found the Dwarf, but the nanobots _didn't _resurrect the original crew! Smeg!"

"That seems plausible… but there's still a flaw."

"What flaw?"

"Where are we? If we're here, then so should our other selves- from this reality."

"Maybe they went through the mirror the same time we went through the mirror? It is all connected and parallel after all, right?"

"Guys." Cat spoke wearily, "My head's hurting, please just shut up and fetch me some chicken Marengo!"

* * *

"Sir, are you okay?" Kryten entered the sleeping quarters that Lister and The Cat were occupying. This was the place which Lister had shared with Rimmer for years. He hated Rimmer. Rimmer hated him. It was a match made in heaven. Lister looked down from his top bunk, and instead of seeing Rimmer listening to a revision tape, saw Cat looking in awe at himself in a handheld mirror.

"Haven't you had enough of mirrors yet, Cat?" asked Lister.

"Enough of mirrors? That's an awful thing to say… I can't believe you even suggested such an awful, terrible thing! How would I know if I still look sexy without a mirror? Hold on… how do I know if I do now?" he quickly looked at the mirror and smiled, "Oh thank god, I'm still sexy!"

"Sir?"

"Sorry Kryten… what were you saying?"

"I was just asking if you were okay."

"As good as I can be Kryten. I mean, we're back at square one aren't we? Sure, we've found the Dwarf, but I've lost Krissie all over again, and even Rimmer… again."

"I could bring one of them back as a hologram sir?" suggested Kryten.

"No, what's the point? It wouldn't be the same Rimmer or the same Krissie… the data banks are of their memories before the radiation leak. None of them will have any of the recent memories that we have…"

"Just a thought, sir." sighed Kryten, "I found some of the skutters in the cargo bay… does that cheer you up?"

"Slightly…"

"I also have another little surprise for you…" Kryten switched on the video screen on the wall, and up popped Holly's head.

"Sup' Davey boy?" asked Holly.

"Holl! How come you're not female? That's how you _should _be in this reality."

"Kryten updated my CPU, and my face changed to default mode. Still, you have to laugh, don'tcha?

"Okay, so what's the last thing you remember? Then I might be able to make some actual sense of what the smeg's going on!"

"Those nano-thingies took over the ship. The ring leader started fiddling with my controls. It was horrible. They wanted to plot a course for the Bahamas, when I said that the Bahamas was back on Earth, and since we're three million years away from Earth, they'll probably never get a chance to sip a cocktail on those golden sands, they got grouchy and switched me off. I managed to call them all little twats before they did though… I'm proud of that, possibly my finest moment. I saw a dark figure lurking in the corner on the control room just before I was switched off though… I dunno what that was all about, probably a glitch- I am getting on you know!"

"A dark figure? Holl, what did-"

"I'm so sorry Holly!" Kryten interrupted. "I had a word with them; they'll behave and never run amuck ever again!" Kryten began going into guilt mode. He went into overdrive. "Oh heavens! Guilt mode activated!" he began beating his head against the wall.

"Kryten man, control your guilt and shut up a minute!" advised Lister.

"Oh I'm trying sir! As god as my witness I am trying to be a worse person!"

Holly began rolling his eyes.

"I dunno what the figure looked like exactly Dave. It definitely wouldn't get on the front cover of Vogue magazine though that's for sure." Lister sat up on his bunk.

"Let's go exploring than, shall we?"


	3. Wildfire

Rimmer wished he was dead as he hung screaming from the window ledge. Then he remembered that he already was dead. This cheered Rimmer up slightly. Before he could bathe in his new found happiness that he was already dead, Rimmer's trousers ruined it all. He found himself falling out of them, and then simply falling.

Falling extremely quickly.

Falling extremely quickly down the side of a building and heading for a very hard piece of ground. His screams seemed to do little good, and just when he had less than twelve feet before he was permanently disfigured, he hit something soft. He looked around the Ace Rimmer ship, 'Wildfire'. It was a small ship, more of tiny caravan in Cornwall Rimmer thought. Just as he started to get his bearings, the computer spoke to him in a stern, female voice. The computer hated this particular Ace.

"Had to save your arse again… God you're pathetic." she said to Rimmer, before switching to autopilot (she never let _him_ drive) and took off into space.

"I could have saved my own arse thank you so very much!"

"Oh really? Okay, so what was your plan?"

"My, err, my plan?" Rimmer stuttered. He didn't have a clue what he would have done if Wildfire didn't come to the rescue.

"Yes. Your plan, please, do tell!" said the computer mockingly.

"Oh smeg off!" said Rimmer irritably, "why are you always doing this? Just leave me alone!"

"I'm doing this because I don't like you. You're a complete tosser Rimmer, aren't you?"

"I'm not exactly going to answer that am I? You better start being a hell of a lot nicer to me, I have to save the world, and I'm not going to be able to do that with you getting me all stressed out!"

"You, save the world? I'd rather be saved by Bill Crosby on dope rather than you Rimmer!"

"I'm Ace! Not Rimmer! You call me Ace!" demanded Rimmer.

"I'll call you 'Ace' when you're worthy of the name! The only name you're worthy of at this very moment is bonehead!"

Rimmer was shocked and appalled. 'Bonehead' was Rimmer's nickname at school. Right now he wanted to make a hot cappuccino and pour it all over the computer. He decided against the idea as he didn't have a clue how to drive Wildfire, and would be completely lost without her.

"Don't talk to me." said Rimmer quietly.

"Fine, I won't!" replied the computer.

"Good."

"Great."

"Spiffing!"

"Shut up."

"Smeg off!"

There was an awkward silence. Followed by an even longer; even more awkward silence.

"I'm sorry" said Rimmer.

"Oh grow a spine Rimmer!"

"Fine, forget it! Just access the duality drive and take me to another smegging dimension-"

"So you can screw up more people's lives?"

"Yes so I can screw up more people's lives!"

The computer activated the duality drive and the ship zoomed through time and space, and into another dimension. Rimmer looked out into space and saw a huge, red ship. It was the Red Dwarf. A smile appeared on his face.


End file.
